Like a Fading Dream



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✴ Entry: 12/15/2024 - General thoughts, youtube, and the old web

Welcome, dear reader, to my first blog! Currently, I'm in bed, a little stoned, and listening to City Girl's Siren of the Formless album. It feels weird to be publishing this online, to be honest... I am certainly no stranger to journaling or keeping a diary, but I have never actually had a publicly-facing blog before. I intend for this page to be similar to my physical diary, though not equivalent - some thoughts are best kept to myself.
I see myself using this as an outlet for my thoughts more than my youtube channel in the future; it's become clear that multiple AI models are being trained on youtube's content, and it makes me feel icky to know my videos/voice are scraped like that. On top of that, though, I experience the strange paradox of easily becoming too fixated on the engagement metrics presented to me, and simultaneously disliking the amount of traction my videos have gotten. Some of my few videos have gotten 5k, 20k, 120k views... which, I should probably feel grateful for and leverage into making a 'successful' channel, but I can't help but feel like a bug under the microscope. Having thousands of strangers stumble across your voice online is super cool until it isn't... people nitpicking things I've said, condescendingly pointing out imperfections, or making personal attacks really gets old quick. Thick skin is important to have online, but I dunno. Youtube comments really seem to have a vitriol that I don't see elsewhere when I publish my drawings, music, or poetry online. I wonder if that's because the average youtube viewer view creators as 'channels' or brands and not as random people, and thus have greater expectations for them.
Anywayyy, like I said, this place will most likely become my outlet for just throwing my thoughts out into the void. Not *literally* the void - you're here, of course! But the old web is not nearly as incomprehensibly massive as the modern web is. There's much less traffic around here, and I feel cozier in these quiet corners. I've been exploring the old web a lot lately, and it's really such a special place. There's an aspect of nostalgia to it, I think - I started poking around online in 2007/2008 or so, and even then, many websites and forums still echoed the design of 90s/early 2000s webpages. But moreso than that, I just love the spirit of this place. Everyone's page looks unique and reflects their interests, as opposed to the bland uniformity of modern social media. There's a lot of history still alive as well; I find it exciting whenever I find myself on some fansite or personal page from the 90s. Who knows how long a lot of those will last... it's just cool to be able to see them now.
Anyway, I think that'll do for now for this post, I have to go be anxious about my manager being mad at me! Later!


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